Apple announces updates to iPod Touch, MacBook Air

Apple today stunned the tech world with the announcement of two new products to augment both the iPod and the MacBook lines.  First up is the newest entry in the iPod line, the iPod Grope.  The iPod Grope is bigger than the iPod Touch with a 5 inch screen and is almost one inch thick. 

Steve Jobs made the announcement for the Grope by offering it up to the geeks who "are too clumsy and inexperienced" to operate an iPod that is thin and light and thus requiring a feather touch.  Jobs iterated that the iPod Touch is just too small and requires a too light a touch to operate using two fingers and that geeks are not able to control it properly as they lack the finesse.  Enter the iPod Grope, a one pound brick of an iPod that requires five fingers to manipulate the screen which geeks everywhere will flock to for the ease of operation that manhandling the device brings to the table.  "Geeks need an iPod that they touch like they touch women when they get a chance, and that is what the iPod Grope provides.  It's an iPod that lets them grab things on the screen with their whole hand since they are too clumsy for anything less." said Jobs.  He went on to say "Nerds just want to grab something with their hand, not caress anything and the Grope is tailor-made for them.  The iPod Grope can also be used in conjunction with our next product we're happy to announce today."

Apparently Apple has been reading all the commentary about the MacBook Air, especially the sentiment that "thin" and "underpowered" doesn't cut it when the device could actually be lighter. It's now clear that the MacBook Air was a first-generation experiment because today Apple delivered a new model to select reviewers. Yes, you're viewing the first picture of a light, thin MacBook that's lighter than the Air. Say hello to the MacBook Helium.

There's several amazing accomplishments to highlight here. First, Apple is saving on production costs by using the original MacBook Air chassis. The key difference is on the inside. Apple has engineered the MacBook Helium to have Intel processors that typically power desktops, so no longer will performance be considered a compromise. The new MacBook Helium also uses a unique gas-cooling system that captures heat from the 3.0 GHz Core 2 Duo chipset and uses it to warm up a helium-cooling-bladder. This incredible system does two things at once: it keeps the CPU and other components cooler and also causes the helium to expand, thus making the device get lighter the longer you use it!

"We're really excited about the new MacBook Helium as it's lighter than our MacBook Air. Not only that, we've made it lighter on your wallet by keeping it at just $999. One price, one model. It's that simple." said Steve Jobs in a video-conference.

"The most amazing part," he continued, "is the first commercial use of our patent-pending RDF technology which warps light around the MacBook Helium. It makes the shadow of this fantastic new model appear like a Helium balloon. How about that, isn't that great?"

I haven't been able to benchmark the new device just yet because I can't get over the RDF technology that Apple described. You can see for yourself in the picture... it's simply brilliant! My biggest fear is that the MacBook Helium will simply fly away during use, but Apple thought of that too. That new iPod Grope they just announced can be tethered to the bottom of the string. At one-inch thick, the Grope weighs just enough to keep your MacBook Helium within reach. What will they think of next?

SLOOF LIRPA

jk & kct

Comments

[Bryan]

I read the first paragraph and while doing so I thought Apple was finally giving us a MacTablet! Then half a second later I realize what day it was. :P

Now lets go see what Google has up their sleeve!

[Bruce]

Happy April Fool Day!!!

[sam]

Mac book full of enough hot air to make it float...maybe not April Fools?
lol lol

[Philip Ferris]

When I got up I thought it was going to be "one of those days..."

[Stephen]

Thanks Guys. I rushed into the local Apple store to try the Ipod Grope. Fantastic, so bought the first model released here in Sydney. Sitting here right now typing out this note on it.

Have to say its the best ever

[TateJ]

Nicely Done!!!

[Anthony]

Happy April Fools day. I knew it had to be a joke as soon as you called it the iPod Grope. Couldn't stop laughing.

[omon]

The new iPod is expected to start at $399, and will be available in 32GB or 64GB versions:
http://www.mockerise.blogspot.com/2007/10/ipod-grope.html

[James Kendrick]

omon, wow, never saw that. Great minds think alike. :)

[Kevin C. Tofel]

You know, I didn't think of this when I took the picture, but eventually, the helium will escape. I should probably stop standing underneath this thing now, no?

[turn.self.off]

hmm, anyone else reminded of the nintendo powerglove? ;)

[Josh Boldman]

I knew it was a joke as soon as you said, "Apparently Apple has been reading all the commentary about the MacBook Air." Right... right... Apple reading customer reviews?? A great way to celebrate April Fool's.

Josh Boldman
http://www.joshboldman.com

[Kal]

You know, I read this at about 6 a.m. and you all totally had me hooked. The "Grope" seemed like a terrible name, but not much worse than the Ford "Probe." (Not "iGrope?" I should have known...)

Wasn't until I got down to the helium weight-decreasing effect that I caught on! Well done!